It’s hard to forgive yourself !!

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Dear Readers,

Since we are born, we always dream of people liking us for who we are. We want to be a star in whatever we do. To achieve that we sometimes take wrong steps unintentionally. Hard to believe…… but it is true. All of us want to feel good about ourselves. Please around us should love us and want to be around us. We should be important in their lives. That somehow gives us a sense of satisfaction. But on this journey, if we make a mistake we cannot forgive ourselves ever.

Today I read a story about a girl, who was not pretty, no fun, typical orthodox mentally that it’s ok to hurt yourself rather than hurt others. She had no friends. She always wanted friends but no one wanted her. During her college, just to be cool she became someone’s sidekick. Everyone’s priorities were far away from her. She did fall in love but even there she felt used and cheated. She cried for days thinking it was her mistake. She even tried to kill herself just to get over with her pain. Something inside her was broken, I feel her confidence. She thought she will never be happy ever in her life. Every night when she cried, she always thought, “What have I done to deserve this? Did I hurt anyone? Have I told bad things to anyone in my life? Why do wrong things happen to right people? And please someone take away my life as I cannot do that to myself, I don’t have the courage to do so. Sad isn’t it? And one day a thought clicked her mind,” If people want to see me differently, let’s show them what they want to see. If people wanted me to become a confident, strong and independent woman who has no fear of anything, I will become one. If people want me to show that I am the happy person and not an emotional idiot, I will become one”. And then began a journey of making mistakes. She became one of them, heartless, rude, proud bitch who can go to any extend to show people what she is capable of. She had never said even a single word against anyone her whole life and here she was giving people what she feels on their face. She adopted the law of tit for tat and she felt that is the only language that the world understands. A point came when she actually hurt someone very good. That is when things changed again. You hurt a bad person you will never feel bad about it, but if you hurt a good person that the worst feeling in the world. The guilt will kill you. That is when she stopped because it was time to forgive herself.

We make mistakes but all our actions are connected to the past that we have. We know that a mistake is a mistake but we should not forget in what conditions it happened. And above all self-realization is everything that can heal the guilt that we have because of hurting someone who was not like others, who just want to use us. It is easy to forgive others, it helps us to get rid of our own self-pain. It is very difficult to forgive yourself because of the fight within you about the guilt, shame, hurting a good person and realizing that you made a mistake, it’s hard. But we forget one thing, it’s  only a mistake and above all, it’s ok to make one. The only way to get out of it is giving time to such a kind of a person. Her war is much harder than what she would have done to the opposite person. She will be fine only if she feel that she has been honestly forgiven by the opposite person. That will heal her heart and help her to forgive herself.

Regards,
Swati Chaurasia

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